Being and Nothingness

Hello Friends, Fans, and Followers!

I write to you from my Arizona bedside. I sit atop a worn-out checkered baby blue Bed, Bath, & Beyond comforter. My allergies are probably acting up from all the dog hair on my twin bed, which is surrounded by dusty momentos and knicknaks. I'm in this little blue room, with hanging 9th grade homecoming Mardi Gras beads, dried roses, and a stack of high school yearbooks...

(You know, i read those yearbooks yesterday. I must have read those dozens of times, but I noticed something different yesterday. More interesting than the messages themselves is the general development of friendships. Classroom acquantainces' little four word signatures transform into paragraphs with funny memories and truly caring messages. And where are they now? Well i'll find out these next couple weeks!)

Still, I sit awake, shoulders hunched over my warm radiating 12inch powerbook. It's 3:34 am and i'm ridiculously anxious...

about nothing.

Nothing at all is what I intend to do on my month's rest in Arizona. However, I have just formulated the most epic list known to mankind, filled with southwest tourism, hotspots, foodie joints, and a whole lotta party. If you've seen my facebook note, the list is ridiculous and completely fantastic. I'm pretty pumped for all these adventures, all these people, all this homeyness i haven't seen for months. My days are counting.

I've only been here a few days since i've arrived from Chicago, where my 31 year old brother was married! (!!!!!!!!!!!!!). "The Wedding of Weddings" as my mother calls it-- that expression barely does it justice. Hm, how can one, especially one as articulate and poetic as myself, put all the days of celebration into words? (Nay, I shall not document detail by detail as past blog followers may recall! After all, that would be tedious to read and write! However, I shall try to recreate the overarching feeling of incredible amazingness).

When you're in the moment, and it's happening all around you. It's so unbelievably like anything else you've experienced and probably anything else you will ever experience, that it's hard to truly appreciate that moment at the moment of its happening. To do so would require too much thought, and less embracing the actuality. So, you decide to keep on living it-- keep on dancing on the dancefloor while making glowstick chains. Only afterwards do you reflect and replay it over and over, and attempt to appreciate the moment. But now that old moment is a memory, and the new mundane moment passes as the others.

Now it's 3:44 a.m. About 4 hours ago I couldn't fall asleep. I once heard the worst thing to do when you can't sleep is to try to sleep. Amen. But now I'm still here on my laptop, and i'm not one to fall asleep in front of a computer (unless, of course it is an essay, or an online book...). So i suppose the effort lies at my end-- not yours, you did nothing wrong! -- and it's up to me to shut mr. powerbook. I must deprive him of his glory.

So i've started buying short red dresses lately. I now own three. Maybe it helps with confidence? Or maybe Arizona is just too hot (100 degrees plus, every day!). Well then, why am i such a rocker of red lipstick?

In between my sneezing, I have nothing else to say. Nothing. And that's what I intend to do-- right now, and this summer. Do nothing, while at the same time... doing everything. Say nothing, while at the same time... saying everything.

You hear?